


It's Okay to Cry

by hemprat



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gentle Kylo Ren, Helpful reader, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Works out his Issues, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-18 17:06:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16521158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemprat/pseuds/hemprat
Summary: “You know I'm in love with you, right?” you ask, fingers twirling his soft black hair as the sun basked over the both of you. There was no war, no fight, just peace. You'd never felt as safe as you did than when you were with Ben Solo. And to your surprise, he'd loved you since you had met as children.“I know. I mean, I kissed you first.” He murmured, eyes shut as he held you against him, the fear of Luke catching the two of you fading as he focused on the moment; you in his arms, and the sound of grass in the wind.





	1. Old Friend

You wake up with a start as the alarms on your ship screech a monotonous tone, signaling that you were being attacked, and you instantly grab your bag of belongings and run down to the cockpit, scanning the area for any ships or planets nearby.

 

 No planets, but a size 12 ship would be passing by any moment. That was your only chance out here in the middle of buttfuck space nowhere.

 

  You run to your escape pod, strapping yourself in before hitting the door and being shot out into space. Luckily, you had some control over your ancient vehicle, making it close enough to see the ship before you were overwhelmed with a heavy heart. 

 

It was a First Order ship.

 

And you could  _ feel _ him.

 

You hadn't seen Ben Solo since he slaughtered padawans and left you behind to follow Snoke. He broke your heart.

 

  You don't know when it started, or how it even came across your mind originally. You'd loved him before Kylo Ren, when Ben Solo was still just a scared little boy, unsure of his way. You watched his internal conflict destroy him. After Luke, you never saw that boy again. You lost him.   
  
      Even now, with your self-trained force abilities, you could feel the anger inside him as he now  circled the table you were strapped to.

 

 Interrogation no doubt.

  
The dim glow of lighting in the walls and the soft hum that radiated from everywhere was unsettling.  You expected to hear the hiss of his mask modulator, but only the clunk of hits boots were heard as he stomped into the room and came around to face you.    
  
   In fact, you hadn't  expected him to look the same.   
  
    But he wasn't  the same, not entirely. The deep purple around his eyes, the scar across his cheek,  the way his cheeks sunk deeper than before. Of course he'd grown as well, it'd been years.   
  
   The purse of his lips were the same, and even as he stared you over, you didn't  avert your eyes. He didn't scare you. Death didn't scare you. You had hit rock bottom years ago, and you lost everything.    
  
"Why are you here?" He spoke flatly, no emotion in his voice as he started to pace around you.    
  
"My ship was damaged by smugglers, I was out of fuel and this ship was the closest thing to an escape, unless I wanted to starve to death slowly in space, or be caught and sold as a slave on Tattooine.” You tell the truth, you hadn't  even been able to feel him until your escape pod got close enough, your ships sensors hadn't been advanced enough to classify ships in range, so you took your chances. Starving in space might have been better.   
  
    Silence fell over the room as he circled back to face you, bending down to your ear. "How do I know you're not lying? Knowing your.. past ties with the Resistance, the General could have easily-"   
  
"Don't bullshit me, Kylo Ren. Do it. I have nothing to  lose." You snap, turning your head away from him, the pit of anger raising in your chest.   
  
 The burn of pain wrapped around your  skull as you felt him sift through your memories, your childhood with Ben, watching him become a Jedi, watching him destroy the jedi, the months of devastation, then leaving the resistance, making a peaceful life for awhile, taking your chances traveling since you had nothing left  on your home planet after your parents passed. You drank some of your days away, worked the others, survived the rest. By the time he's finished you forget the pain as quickly as it came, taking a deep breath.   
  
    Ren hesitated, "You are not a threat to the First Order," He flicks his wrists and your restraints come undone. "You will be assigned a room, since there's no other use for you, for now."   
  
  You don't say anything, you can't believe he didn't kill you. You do, however, meet his eyes, they were still as sullen, and seemed more confused than before. He looks away and calls for two stormtroopers, who he barks at to escort you to your new quarters.   
  
  
    The walk is long,  you had never been on a ship this big. By the time you reached the black panel door one trooper handed you a small red screened tablet with your room access code- which you punched in and the door hissed open. The troopers walk away and you step inside, the door shutting behind you.   
  
      You didn't know whether to explore or to just start to sob. You choose the first one, finding yourself in a small living room with a sofa, coffee table and a small dining table in the corner, as well with a small kitchen area. The only door led to a small bedroom with a rather large bed, and then a refresher room branched off of that, which you took advantage of immediately.    
  
     When you got out, you found that the wardrobe had a First Order issued pair of pants and an undershirt. You changed quickly, and slide the heavy black boots on, lacing them before walking into the main room to see Kylo Ren.   
  
"Why are you in here?" You say, but as you say it you see the idiocy of the question.    
  
       He steps forward, hand on his saber. "..Your force sensitivity is unadvanced. I could teach you the way, let you become stronger than you ever imagined."   
  
"And if I don't you'll kill me?"   
  
"If you wish."   
  
     "I refuse to choose the dark. I won't brand my name to the First Order when it symbolizes genocide and mass slaughter of innocent life. And I especially won't take commands from a Supreme Leader so twisted by the evil of the Dark side that he barely looks human."   
  
    He scoffs, his anger bubbling. "Snoke is dead, if you haven't heard. I was his sole apprentice, I am the Supreme Leader now. The Scavenger was foolish to run from the power I hold."   
  
  You didn't expect this, you had kept your nose out of the war after Ben left. You knew too many people involved,  you didn't want to know if they lived or died.   
  
  "We could do amazing things, build a new, stronger society. Join me, Y/N," His voice was stern, deeper than it was, the only tell of his desperation was in his eyes, "..Please."   
  
  You didn't know what to do, you remembered how you pondered how he felt after destroying Luke's Temple, if he was even more torn now than before Luke  tried to kill him. You never forgave Skywalker for that, even if you understood Luke's fears. 

 

But his “Please,” made you remember maybe he is still just that scared little boy who left you behind.   
  
"Your thoughts are incessantly loud." He snaps, clearly having kept a link in your head after the interrogation.    
  
"Then you know how hard this is for me." You grit, bringing your hand up to your head to push back the wet hairs in your face. "I'm not like you anymore, Ben, I-- I gave up the war years ago.."   
  
"You never were like me." He murmured, turning his head and pacing again.    
  
"Not my problem that you didn't take me with you originally." His words hurt you, even if he couldn't see it initially.   
  
"No, you don't understand. Snoke--"   
  
"Would have killed me. I was your weakness. And we both know I'm too merciful to be a Sith." You bite your lip, turning away to look at the ground. In truth, you did understand. Even though it was the most painful thing you could come to realize.   
  
"Now Snoke’s gone.  Without him... we could rule together, the strongest force users in the galaxy, Y/N… Reunited at last." He fell silent, waiting for your answer. You felt the slight surge of emotion  from him as he spoke his final sentence.   
  
"I.." You felt as torn as you thought he did.   
  
"Please.." The desperation in his voice sent you reeling, his gloved hand reaching out to you.   
  
     You stare at his hand for a moment before reaching out, and pulling his glove off before he could object, and you took his hand. You felt relief roll off of him, you felt the anger simmer down. You felt the loneliness, it was a feeling you were very familiar with.   
  
   He felt your warmth, your body relaxing. He saw flashes of your memory, the two of you by the lake, the way you looked at him like he was the only good thing in the world. Back then, to you he was.   
  
     The emotions made him sick, unable to process them after years of hate, pain, suffering. He scoffed, snatching his hand away, returning his glove to his hand.   
  
"I will have dinner sent for you, we will begin training tomorrow. I will escort you myself at 07:00. Be ready." He turned around to the door, and was gone.   
  
  
   Kylo stomped through the corridors, ignoring the staff around him as he made his way to his own room. As soon as he was in the elevator he cursed, balling his fists as his anger rose. Now, of all times you were back in his life? He'd forced himself to forget you, the loss of you too painful and immense that even Snoke couldn't manipulate his feelings. Seeing you now, after everything he'd done, you didn't call him a monster.    
  
  ' _ They don't even know what I've done _ ,' He thought, ' _ Maybe (Y/N) would rather die than join me after they know. _ ' Before he knew it, his fist collided with the panel in the elevator, the glass cracking. He walked onto to his floor, punching in his room code and entering.     
  



	2. Choose

You wake up panting, covered in a cold sweat only to look over to the clock on the bedside table.

06:34

No reason to sleep now. You crawl out of bed to the refresher, stripping down and turning the water on. You hadn't slept well, and though you didn't remember your dream it left your skin crawling, and your stood under the water until your arms were pink.

You got out and redressed in a plain shirt and black cargo pants that you thought to be good for mobility, unsure of what Kylo had planned for the day. While drying your hair you look at the time, making sure he wouldn't startle you like his previous visit.

 

You pull on socks and then your boots, going to rummage through the kitchen cupboards to find some sort of caffeine, finding a coffee packet and a mug, adding water to the machine and moments later sitting down at the table with your drink.

On the dot, there's a firm knock at your door before it hissed open and Kylo appeared. At least he'd knocked.

"Good morning," You say quietly, taking one last sip of your coffee before abandoning it, standing up.

"...Good Morning." He replied, unfamiliar with such greetings nowadays. He turns to lead you from your room to an elevator. You file in infront of him and he pressed the floor button, the doors closing. 

The silence was awkward, you had so much to say to him, but no way to say it all and keep your calm. Though you focused your thoughts, unsure if he could still hear you.

“I can."

You roll your eyes, 'It's not fair that you come peeping in my brain when you've got titanium doors on yours, Solo.' You think, and he huffs.

"You don't want to see what's in my brain." He counters.

"I bet I've seen worse." You quip, stepping out of the elevator after him as he walked to a set of doors, using the force to open them-- which you assumed he did a lot, considering all doors had key locks on them unless they were a public area.

When the doors shut behind you, you find yourself in a training room. One of the walls, however immediately grabbed your attention. It was singed, saber marks through the metal. 

"I killed Han."

You hadn't expected him to say that, and it made your heart drop. Han had his moments, you barely knew him other than a few occasions he'd be home and you would get to tag along in the Falcon while Ben got flying lessons. Or times you’d comfort Ben after another night of fighting with his father.

"I don't-- I don't know what to say to that." You say, following him as he sat on the matted floor, sitting across from him. "When?"

"Almost a year ago," He grumbled, not meeting your eyes. You could see it was tearing him apart. 

"..What do you want me to say to help?"

You are unsure why your question angered him, perhaps he didn't know what he wanted, but he stood as quickly as he had sat and loomed over you, your head just taller than his knee from your position.

"Help? No, Call me a monster, a murderer, call me everything that's been said about me. Say it to my face, I know you believe it too." He snaps, like a cobra spitting venom. You didn't flinch.

"I never assumed that of you. I heard stories, of others talking about Kylo Ren, the destroyer of the Jedi and tyrant of the Galaxy, I--" You stand, staring him down as you felt the seething anger roll off him in waves. 

"I couldn't believe half of them. It didn't even seem like you, not that I know you anymore. But I can tell you're still just that scared boy who pushed me away because he was too confused on what to do, with people breathing down his neck on what path to take, with no one to turn to about anything. Your past doesn't need to control your future, Ben..." You reach out for him slowly, "You don't have to be alone, let me in. I'm not going to hurt you, I could never hurt you." You bring your hand up to his face, cupping his cheek. 

To your surprise he does, and you're flooded with his memories, the day he kissed you, Luke standing over him, the dead padawans on the ground, the temple in flames, the pain Snoke induced for his training, all the times he'd missed you, resenting you, finding the scavenger, killing Snoke, choking Hux, everything. You felt his fear, his pain, his loneliness, the desperation for the companionship he was forbidden to have as a Jedi, and as a Sith. You felt his anger, like an ulcer that never went away.

When your mind cleared and you were finally back with him in the training room, you opened your mouth to speak but was at a loss for words. 

"I've never.." He trails off, but you understand. 

You let go of him and clear your throat. "Another time." You say, and he clearly agrees, using the force to pull two sparring weapons from a rack, tossing one to you. 

"Considering the circumstances, skipping meditation today would be best." He says, stepping back and getting into position.

"No real weapons?" You say cockily, "After all these years you still think I can't take care of myself?"

"I'll go easy on you,"

"Banthashit."

With that, you strike him low on the back of his knee while you twist to counter his attack, he was stronger in the arms than you were, but you kicked him square in the gut. 

It was enough to knock the wind out of him, and make him stumble slightly before he regained himself, hitting you hard on the side. At least you both were playing dirty.

You grit your teeth and consider trying to get him in the 'nads at one point, but decide against it unless necessary. He comes at you from your left and you take the hit, jabbing him good in the ribs and shoving him down- taking you with him as you hold the padded weapon to his neck. "L/N One, Ren Zero."

You get off of him and put out your hand to help him up.

"You're faster than I thought."

"Thank you?" You say, getting back into position.

You spar until the late afternoon, by the time you were finished you both were resting against a wall in sweaty silence. 

"I'll uh, order a droid to come get your measurements for more fitting attire for your rank." He said eventually, unbuttoning his cowl and wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"What is my rank, exactly?"

"To be technical you're my apprentice, which is what I will tell General Hux. If he tries giving you orders, ignore it. You take orders from me, and technically rank higher than he does."

"There is no way in hell I'm calling you 'Master', just so you know." You manage to breathe a laugh.

His lip twinges upward to an almost invisible smile, his marble expression cracking.

You used to make him laugh.

You shut your eyes and experimentally reach out to the force- you could feel the hum of the metal around you, Kylo's heartbeat, the troopers walking past the door. You focus on a large stack of gym mats in the corner, breathing through your nose as Kylo watches them struggle to lift off the ground at first, before they rose, going as high as the ceiling before you brought them back down with a soft thud.

You open your eyes and blink, the endeavor giving you a slight headache. "I've never tried to lift more than a tool or a datapad before.."

"I'm surprised you had that much control on putting it down." He said, turning to look at you. "Do you want to be done for the day?"

You quirk a brow, "I mean, I can feel the goddamn bruises forming, and I'll be sore as hell tomorrow, but unless you have more planned, I wouldn't mind eating, and a shower."

"Well," He grunted as he stood up, offering his hand which you took, letting go and brushing a hair out of your line of vision. "If you wouldn't mind the.. the company, we could eat in my quarters. It's on this floor."

"That's fine with me," you say, following him out of the room.

A few corridors down you come to a room which he opens quickly and enters, you following behind him. His room was larger than yours, more doors branching off to separate rooms. You sit on the couch as he taps on a datapad for a moment before joining you on the couch.

When the food arrived you ate in comfortable silence, setting the plate back on the droid when you were finished.

"Y/N,"

You look up at him from your seat across the table, his brows furrowed and his lips pursed. You know what he's trying to say.

"..How long did it take you to forget me?" You look down at the table, biting the inside of your lip.

"I'd never forget you, I.. We were very close."

"I never forgot you either."

"Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"What made you.. fall for me?" He huffs, clearly having difficulty by the sight of his fists on the table.

"That's a loaded question, Ren.." You couldn't form the words, trying to articulate in some way what you had felt for him. And what was left of those feelings. 

You take a deep breath and exhale sharply, 'I don't even know how to explain it,' You think, 'You were the center of my world. What made me love you? Your smile, your eyes, the way I used to make you laugh like the world wasn't breathing down your neck just for a second.'

He's clearly heard you, his expression softening as he looked down at the table.

"You made me feel safe, when everything around us was so rocky. You listened to me, you snuck out at night to see me. You were my everything, you never told Luke I was able to use the force because you knew that being a Jedi wasn't the path for either of us. You cared, you loved me. No One ever treated me as well as you did, through everything. Even until you left, with every drop of anger you had, you still had enough compassion left to love me." You blink, voice breaking, tears falling that you hadn't even noticed were there. You'd purposely tried to forget the good times with Ben, it hurt to much to remember and realize the loss, especially when he was right in front of you, the same face you fell in love with.

The same, but completely different.

He was silent for awhile, and doesn't meet your gaze.

“Kylo?"

"Get out."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Get. Out."

"I deserve a fucking explanation, Solo! I've spent half my life wondering if I ever even meant anything to you, or you just used me as an outlet! Scream if you want, break shit, but you don't get to fucking cower out of this." You yell, standing up with one hand on the table, the other accentuating your words- tears streaming now.

He growled in response, getting up and igniting his lightsaber, the red light filled the dimly lit room as you watch him leave smoke and sparks behind as he destroyed a wall.

When his tantrum was over he fell to his knees, face in his hands. "You don't understand."

"Of course I don't, I haven't lived through it." You sigh, stepping over to him and kneeling next to him.

Now you could see his tears. And your chest sinks. "Destiny's a tricky thing to figure out, but I know that it brought me here to you for a reason.. You don't have to be alone anymore, Snoke is dead, you have to make your own choices, choose with your heart, not your fear, or your anger. You don't have to keep fighting yourself." You say softly, his shoulders relaxing. You wipe your eyes with one hand, trying to regain your composure to support him.

He turns to face you, his eyes wet as his dark irises flickered from one part of your face to another. “You don't have to be the strong one right now, either Y/N.” He whispers, his hand was ungloved from dinner, which he rested on the side of your face before his lips were on yours.

You'd expected his kisses to change, thinking they'd be rough, barbaric. You were mistaken, they were still as soft and gentle as the first time he'd done it and you felt like crying all over again. It was wonderful, but overwhelming. 

He pulls you to him and you wrap your arms around his neck, hiding your face in the crook of his neck as his strong arms came around you and you stayed quiet. You savored the warmth, his smell, the sturdiness of him entirely.

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you, (Y/N)." He murmured in your ear, "I pushed you away because I knew if I'd kept you in my thoughts, Snoke would have had me kill you if you had shown up months earlier. I didn't want him to destroy the only good memories I have."

"I.." You don't even begin to know how to process every emotion you're feeling, you can't even separate them. You wanted him, hell, you think you needed him, but would it end up destroying you too if the path Kylo Ren takes is not one you can follow? 

"..I missed you so much, I didn't know what to do, Ben, I was lost without you. I used to think that the day you left was the day I died, I loved you so, so much." He hugs you tighter--which you wince at, becoming aware of the bruises from your sparring this morning. He murmurs an apology and loosens his grip, lips pressing to the back of your head. 

"I still care for you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't." You curl your fingers into his hair and move to look at him, then at the destroyed wall next to you.

You get off of him, standing up with another wince as you clutched your side, then regaining your composition. "I'm exhausted," You say, reaching for his hand again. "Thank you for dinner, and for telling me. I'm proud of you, Ben." You squeeze his hand, letting go and walking out of his quarters.

You managed to get back to your room rather easily, knowing which floor number you were and what elevator to take.

When you got to your room you showered straight away, when you exited a droid was beeping intently in the living room. The sewing droid Ben had mentioned.

After you sent the droid away with your measurements you dug through the wardrobe more to find a pair of loose fitting shorts and a grey long-sleeved shirt, throwing them on and curling into bed, falling asleep before your thoughts could catch up.


	3. Heart

 

Kylo wakes up abruptly, a searing pain in his chest as he felt you through the force-- you were in agony.   
  
 As quickly as he could he threw on somewhat respectable attire for the Leader of the First Order to wear in public before grabbing his saber and storming out of his room and making it to yours as fast as he could.   
  
 He bypassed the security and walked through the bedroom door to see you sleeping, curled in on yourself slightly as you tossed and turned. Kylo didn't understand, but when he focused through the pain he realized it was your dreams attacking him. He was feeling what you were. He puts his hand on you and you gasp, slapping his hand away instinctively as you feel a wave of dizziness come over you as you then focus on Kylo, the anxiety that had gripped your heart moment ago fading slowly.   
  
"Why are you here?"   
  
"You were in pain, I could feel it-- I didn't mean to wake you,"   
  
"I don't remember my nightmares," you say, looking at the time. Ridiculously late at night. "Did you even sleep?"    
  
"I managed an hour or so."   
  
"Take your boots off and lie down, then. You look exhausted."   
  
 He doesn't argue, undoing his boots and the overshirt he'd thrown on, leaving him in a black t-shirt and long pants. He sets his saber closeby, lying down next to you stiffly.   
  
 You huff. Grumpily throwing the blanket up to share with him. "Can I be close to you?" You ask, unsure on his mood considering you felt himself shielding his mind.   
  
  Kylo turned on his side and pulled you to his chest, getting comfortable himself before letting one arm rest on your hip, his hand tracing your spine. In all honesty he was terrified, he thought he'd lost you all over again. The evening prior’s events left him emotionally drained, and more confused on his path in life then he was before. There was a frustration that came with that, as well as a peace and security that came with your presence.   
  
  You are suddenly overwhelmed by the intimacy of the situation, and the paranoid possibilities of the outcome of Kylo Ren walking out of his new apprentice's quarters half dressed in his usual attire. People would ask questions. You worry over the outcome of all of it, if something would drive you apart. Who would die first?    
  
"Quiet your mind." He whispered.   
  
"I can't, my skins' crawling."   
  
  He sighs, "Nothing's ever gonna hurt you, or us. Not while I'm breathing." He carded his fingers through your hair, letting you rest your head on his arm as he kept you close, holding you like you were the most delicate thing in the world.   
  
"Why are you still hiding from me?"   
  
"...Because I'm still afraid."   
  
You sit up, trying to see him in the dark room. “Why?”

 

“You have too good of a heart to not think I'm a psychopath after seeing and knowing everything I've done.”

 

“I'm in your arms, I saw the aftermath of your departure, I know you killed Han, and who knows how many insufficient faculty. You can't scare me away.” You try to be reassuring, hoping to ease his mind any way you could. “What can I say to help?”

 

“I hope that's true.” He's at a loss for words at your question, knowing exactly what he wanted, but still too scared to admit it. 

 

“I just- want to be _ loved, _ ” his voice is barely a whisper, and you sigh.

 

“I love you, whether you're Kylo Ren or Ben Solo, I love you.” You kiss his lips, your hands resting on his chest as you feel over his collarbones and down his sides. He shivers.

 

“I’m right here,” You kiss his scar down his neck, resting your head against him again. “You have me.”

“I have you,” He repeated, hiding his face in your hair as he sighs, the relief of having you with him now apparent as his whole body finally relaxes, his muscles no longer taught with stress. 

 

“Tomorrow I am introducing you to General Hux, we lost a lot after the Resistance’s last attack, but we've been making do with what we have. Your opinions might be helpful so I will be bringing you to the meeting Hux has planned.” He looks over, checking the time. It was late, but he still wasn't tired.

 

  You hum in response, pulling the blanket around you more as you tried to settle down. “So, don't speak unless spoken to, be intimidating enough to let them think I'm more advanced than I am?” 

 

“Pretty much.”

 

“Sounds like fun.” 

 

 He chuckles, and it vibrates in his chest and you laugh with him, your heart swelling.  

  
  


You wake up the next morning to an empty bed, you see a datapad left on his pillow and you reach over, turning it on.

 

‘ _ The meeting starts at 12:00. Meet me at my quarters an hour prior.’  _

 

 You set it down and check the time, scrambling out of bed as is was 10:37. You rush a shower and run into the livingroom to start some coffee to see a pile of clothes sitting on the table.

 

 Eight pairs of undergarments, eight pants, socks, and undershirts and a few different sith inspired tunics. You had to admit they all looked pretty damn cool. You decide on simplicity, with slim fitting black trousers with a red undershirt and a thicker black tunic that fit comfortably up to your adam's apple.

 

  You slide on socks and boots, fixing your hair and chugging your coffee before slipping on your new gloves and darting out of your quarters to the elevator.

 

  You knock on his door, panting because  _ holy fuck this ships huge and the hallways are as long as hell. _

 

  The door hisses open and you walk in to see Ben shirtless in high waisted trousers similar to the ones you just received. At least you knew your pants weren't going anywhere.

 

“You're early.” He says, you noticed his hair was still wet.

 

“I thought I was going to be late.”

 

 “That's why I said come an hour early,” he walks into the backroom and you follow, leaning in the doorway. “I didn't think you'd be on time this time.” He smirked a bit, and you knew he wasn't kidding. You were always late as a child, whether it be to curfew, or even piloting lessons.

 

 “Oh shove off,” You roll your eyes and he puts on a shirt, then stepping to you.

 

 “Last night was.. the calmest I've ever been in a long time.” He murmurs, like he was afraid of anyone else hearing. “I had things to attend to this morning,” He takes your hand, noticing the glove and stepping back to look you over. “All you're missing is a weapon.”

 

 He hands you a lightsaber, “It was my first one while I trained as a Sith. It will do until I teach you to make your own.”

 

 You look down at it for a moment before hooking it to your belt, looking back up to him. “Thank you.”

 

  He kisses your forehead, stepping to the door as a droid wheeled itself in with breakfast. The two of you sat and ate in comfortable silence, heading out for the meeting by 11:45.

  
  


  The two of you walk into the meeting room where a large black ovaline table stands in the middle.  You stand straight, arms behind your back as you stride in behind Kylo, making sure your lightsaber is shown as everyone in the room eyes you precariously. 

 

  Everyone is silent as the two of you join the group of small talk. A redheaded man approaches you and stares you up and down, his expression as if he had his nose up a horse's ass. 

 

“This was the  _ intruder,  _ Ren?” He sneered.

 

 “This is my apprentice, Y/N. And you will treat them with respect as you would myself or better. If I hear any complaints there will be a problem.” He snaps, and you don't break eye contact with Hux. 

 

 “.....Very well.” He turned on his heels and stalked away, clapping his hands to start the meeting.

 

 You sat next to Ben and kept your hands in your lap, eyes following the speakers in the conversation, trying to pay attention at least for awhile before your thoughts caught up to you. 

 

Who knew you'd be sitting in an governmental meeting for the First Fucking Order. 

 

 Kylo nudges your foot under the table to bring you back to the conversation, paying attention again. It was a task you were rather good at, unless of course there was something heavy on your mind.  You had accepted your fate, and this was it. Right here with Ben.

 

You didn't speak at all through the meeting, which you assumed was because you hadn't scared anyone into respecting you. You didn't mind, you weren't a people person. Ben was your only childhood friend, and after you left you had some good acquaintances,  but no one you'd call a sincere friend.

 

 You were surprised you hadn't spoken to anyone yet, but just before the end of the meeting, Hux clears his throat.

 

“As you all are aware we have a new member among us. Kylo Ren’s Apprentice, (Y/N).” Hux declares, and the other members of the meeting start to murmur amongst themselves.

 

 Before you can say anything Kylo begins off, “(Y/N) has a high potential and will be essential in decimating the Resistance.  If anyone has qualms with this, they can see me privately.” He booms, slamming his fist on the table. “You're all dismissed.” He stands and you follow him out of the room, following him to the elevator. 

 

 He sighs in frustration, turning to you and looking you over. “That could have been worse.” 

 

 You nod in agreement, squeezing his hand for a moment before letting go. “Were you able to sleep last night?” You ask, stepping off the elevator and walking with him back to his room. 

 

  “No.” He said, opening the door and going straight to lying down on his couch.

 

 You join him on the sofa, kissing his jaw and keeping your arms around him. “I'm sorry, is it stress? Actually, dumb question. No shit it is.”

 

 He takes his gloves off and tosses them on the table, running his fingers through your hair. “I just want everything but you to stop existing.”

 

  “We could always go off ship to “train”, find a quiet planet to take a vacation on. Somewhere where no one would recognize us.” You suggest, taking your glove off and tossing it to the table. You lean forward, kissing his cheek and brushing his hair out of his face gently. 

 

  “That's not a bad idea, but I don't want to leave Hux in charge.” 

 

  “What's he gonna do that you wouldn't?  If anything he'll preserve the Order as much as he can.” You insist, trying to ease his mind as well as voice your own reasoning. You couldn't relax here, you missed green already, you missed the lakes, the smell of fresh air.

 

 “He's power hungry,” He quips.

 

“So are you.” You retort back, and he knows you're right. 

 

  “We can plan on leaving in a few days, I must make sure everything is set to refuel and resupply in a month, since I would assume the journey would take some time, even with lightspeed. Luckily we have a few civilian ships on standby, in case we send out a spy.” He runs his hand over your back rhythmically. “How is your bruising?” 

 

 You shrug, “It's uncomfortable, but I've had worse.” You listen to his heart, thankful that he wasn't half machine like some had thought. 

 

“Y/N?”

 

 You look up at him, and he shifts to sit up, but holds you in such a way that you're still pressed against him, sitting against him. “Yes?”

 “What do you miss most.. about what we had before?”

 

  “The trust we had in eachother. Now, we're both too damaged to even trust ourselves...” You say honestly, your chest feeling hollow as you admit it. “But I also miss the peace, how easy it was to be together, even behind everyone's back. Before you, I didn't even remember what it felt like to be held like someone meant it-- like now. I'm so uncertain in every aspect of my life except the fact that I'm with you. You make me feel safe.”

 

 “I missed that as well.. I'm sure it will rebuild in time.. as we try to heal. Unless I'm past healing.”

 

  “You're not past healing, Ben, you're just trying to figure it out. Bacta heals physical wounds, but you're the only person who can settle your storms.” You try to sound confident, just hoping to help in some way. 

 

    “It feels like I am.” 

 

   “I promise you, that you are strong, and you've been up the mountain already. This is just the descent.” You sit up more to kiss him, letting it linger before getting up off of him.

 

  “Will you teach me to use this properly?” You motion towards the lightsaber at your belt, and he nods.

 


	4. Distress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor smut warning for this chapter!

 

You ended up in the medical center from a failed defense against one of Ben’s attacks, it was on your outer thigh. You were surprised you hadn't passed out, and you didn't expect burnt human to smell like that.

  You could hear Kylo yelling out orders and pacing in the hallway as the droid laid and trimmed out the bacta needed to heal the wound. When the droid scurried off you step off the table and take a breath, limping out of the room and into the corridor.

 

  Kylo is standing by the door as you exit,  and he takes your arm to help you walk. 

 

_ ‘I am sorry,’  _ you hear his voice in your head.

 

‘ _ It's fine, I learned from it.’  _ You send back, letting his strength support you as you focus on trying to get around. 

 

 Kylo takes you back to your quarters where you dress down to more comfortable clothes. You choose a warm shirt and shorts, walking into the living room again to see him by the door. 

 

“Don't go,” You barely whisper, not wanting to admit to yourself that you didn't want him to leave. You cross the room slowly, your knee buckling under you and you fall, catching yourself on the kitchen table and before you know it Kylo’s kneeling down in front of you.

 

  “Maybe you should rest,” He suggests and to be fair, lying in bed and doing nothing sounded pretty great.

 

   You nod and stand up with his help, walking to your bedroom and you sit on the edge, wrapping your arms around Kylo’s middle and hugging him to you. “Will you lie with me for a bit?” You say, already pulling him forward to lie down with you.

 

   Kylo pauses, then sits up again to take off his boots, crawling into bed and sitting against the headboard. 

 

    You lay curled next to him, on your side as not to irritate your wound any further while the bacta did its job. “If you can't sleep tonight,” you pause, forming your words as to not embarrass yourself, “Bypass my code like you usually do and wake me up, I feel bad that you have to be up all hours alone..”

      “You sound like you think I'm going somewhere.” He said, brushing through your hair with his fingers. 

 

       “I always wake up alone.” You mumble, not meaning it as a complaint, but as a fact.

 

   “You don't have to anymore, not if you don't want to..” He slides down to lie with you and shifts around a bit before unclasping a few of the hidden buttons on his shirt, getting comfortable. “Are you… alright, Y/N?”

 

 Hesitantly, you fumble to undo more of the buttons on his overshirt, moving closer to leech his warmth. “I'm glad I found you, but-” You sigh, his anger wasn't the issue, nor was the war, or the ship or the annoyingly loud hum that follows you everywhere due to the machinery of the Cruiser. “I'm scared for you, I don't want you to give up and drive yourself into a ditch because I couldn't save you. I miss the trees, the grass, fresh air, peace and quiet. I hate that there's the weight of a galaxy on your shoulders,  Kylo, and all I can do is watch you carry it. I can't lose you again, I lost you once, and it almost killed me.”

 

 “I wish I could help it, but it's my destiny. It was never Snoke. It was you. It was always you..” He trailed off, pressing his lips to yours and pulling you close. The kiss lingered, and he held your face and you had your hands up his undershirt, fingers running over his broad chest.

 

  You pull back and take a breath, looking him in the eyes. “I don't know if I trust you,” You barely whisper, Kylo’s eyes  glossing over as his demeanor switched entirely.

 

  “Why?” He's clearly trying to stay calm, and even his control of it made it clear that he did truly love you.

 

   “It's been so long, we've both gone through so much since then.”

 

     “What can I do to prove myself to you?” He urges, brown eyes on yours with a keen focus.

 

      “You not totally blowing my head off just now was a pretty good start.” You murmur, putting your hand up to his face to cool him down. “I'm sorry- you don't  need more shit to carry. I'm not leaving you, it would tear me apart. I love you too much, you know that. You saw some of my head.”

 

        He doesn't say anything and your chest sinks. Even if you tried to pry into his head he wouldn't think you were slick, you rub circles with your thumb against his cheekbone, the other hand balled up in his shirt. 

 

 “Do I scare you?”   
  
You're silent for a moment, "Not in the ways most people are. I'm afraid that your anger will overcome you like Anakin's did-- I don't want what happened to Padme to happen to me. That's all. Your destruction doesn't scare me, nor does your kill record. I'm scared you'll never find peace for yourself.”

 

    He frowns at this, but deep down he understands. You can see the metaphorical light bulb go on. “I.. I can understand why. (Y/N), I swear to you that I will never lie a hand of malice against you. You're too perfect to be damaged.” He pushes you back to lie flat on the bed, sitting up on one elbow to kiss you, his hair falling in both your faces. 

 

  His sturdy arms come around you and hold you there, soft lips trailing down your neck. You shudder and curl your fingers into his hair, pulling on it lightly. 

 

   Kylo slides his hand down your hip and across your outer thigh, you winced when he passed over the bacta. He kisses your ear as a silent apology and brings you back on your side,  tucking the blankets around you. 

 

  “Such chivalry,” you tease, taking one of his hands in yours and squeezing it assuringly. “Still shy to try and get in my pants?”

 

  The joke of a comment clearly shocks him, his face heating up quite visibly. You snicker, kissing over his knuckles.

 

   “To be honest, I haven't thought of intimacy to that extent in years. I didn't want to remember what I'd never have again.” He lied on his back, putting and arm behind your head and bringing you flush to his side.

 

   “Understandable.” You drape your arm over his chest, savouring the physical contact. “It's fucked how even the best memories sour over time.”   
  


    “Not the ones I have of you,” he breathed, putting his free hand over your forearm.“They're the only good memories I have.”

 

       “There will be many more, I promise.” You kiss his chest and close your eyes as well, letting your exhaustion grip you but not take you into sleep just yet. You shield your mind, taking a moment to think the past three days over. It almost seemed like a dream, yet the shallow sting of pain from your leg told you it was reality. You never thought you'd be this close with anyone ever again, you thought that the ache of love for Ben would never go away. Now that you were in bed with him for the third time, something that the both of you could never do back then due to Ben’s Jedi training, you didn't know how to feel. It was so surreal you could barely enjoy it. 

 

 You feel Kylo’s breathing level out and you gather that he's asleep, which is probably good for him since the bags around his eyes and only gotten darker in the few days you've been with him. 

 

  You open your eyes to look at him, memorizing his features so you would never forget them. You use the force to switch the lights off across the room, and you realize that even through all the politics and emotions that you know you will face months, or years to come would be worth being able to be with him every night like this. You loved him, the thought of doing something as simple as daily tasks with him made you feel warm.

 

  You wake up to Kylo’s arms around you with his chest flush to your back, still sleeping.  The temptation to get out of bed passed as soon as it came, and you just pull the blanket up around you more. Goddamn Cruiser thermostat.

 

   There was no fathoming how long you'd lied there while you listened to his breathing, but for some of it you meditated. It brought you peace and relaxation for a short time, Kylo’s even breathing making it easy to focus. 

 

       He stirred some time later, his breath quickening as his grip around you loosened and you turn over to face him. 

 

       “Good morning, sunshine.” You say, even though the room was as dark as it was when you went to sleep. Space was weird, you didn't like not having a sunrise.

 

      “Morning,” he replied, voice deep and still half asleep, “I'm not getting up yet.” he declared, stretching out a bit and re-situating his position.

 

     “I second that notion.” You agree, taking the moment to stretch as well, your back popping in different places. You get comfortable and lie back against the pillow. 

 

 “Ky?”

 

 “Hm?”

 

“You know I never wanted to give up on you, right?”

 

  “I know.. now at least.” He props himself up and leans over you, pressing his lips to yours. You gather now that he's shirtless, but you don't blame him. Sleeping in day clothes was a nightmare. And it gave you a chance to feel him up.

 

  Which you do. You trace your fingers over his shoulder blades and up his neck to his hair, as soft as it ever was. 

 

  He holds your face with one hand as he kisses you, letting back a bit to kiss your forehead. “How did you sleep?” He asked, lying back on his side.

 

“Better than before, I'm just glad you got some rest.” You say, reaching out again to blindly trace out his chest, brushing over his sternum to his waistline.

 

  “I didn't even dream. I woke once, but it was easy to fall back. I don't understand how you do this to me, Y/N.” 

 

 “Maybe your exhaustion caught up with you, or maybe I'm magic.” You kiss his shoulder before sitting up and sliding out of bed. “Gonna start the coffee, stay put.” You tell him, raising your eyebrows to yourself as you realize you just gave orders to the technical Supreme Leader of the First Order.

 

   You start the coffee and walk back to the bedroom, curling up against him and kissing over his chest gently, following up his neck. You feel his breath hitch and the hairs on his arm raise. “Do you have meetings today?”

 

“No, technically it's my day off.”

 

 “Good. No reason to get out of bed, then.” You chime, moving your hand up to card your fingers through his hair and tuck it behind his prominent ears that you honestly adored because they suited him so. 

 

“I can hear you gushing, quit.” He grumbles, but there's no seriousness in his tone for the first time in years. 

 

  “How can I when I have you in my bed shirtless?” Slowly you gain some courage and you situate yourself on top of Ben, leaning down to kiss him.

 

 He takes the bait and wraps his arms around you, kissing you hard as he rolls the both of you over. “....Do you remember any of your dreams?” He asks, bombarding your neck with kisses as well as a nip here and there and you shiver. It'd been so long since anyone had handled you like this. 

 

  You shake your head at his question as he slides his hands under your shirt to hold your hips.

 

 “You project your dreams as loud as your thoughts when you're angry, it was quite the endeavor. You're not one to listen to authority, are you?”

 

  “I am still not gonna call you ‘ _ Master _ ’.” You say in a serious tone and he laughs.

 

 “I wouldn't make you. But uhm..” He clears his throat, flicking his wrist to turn on the bedside wall lamp so he could see your face. “Do you trust me.. to care for you?”

 

“Yes.” You say without hesitation, because it's true. He's made sure you were fed and clothed and properly cared for since you'd arrived. You move his hand back to your hip and to the waistband of the loose shorts you were wearing, which he slides down hesitantly. You can tell he's nervous, and the two of you did have intercourse a few times before, but it was still fair to be considered semi-unexplored territory after so many years.

 

  Your heart pounds in your chest and you reach up to shut the light off again, embarrassed and deep down terrified.

 

“Am I rushing you?” He asks.

 

  “No, I'm just- I don't even know why I'm nervous, I trust you. I really do. Don't stop, I'll let you know if I need you to, though.”

 

 He gets your shorts off and tosses them to the ground, sliding back between your legs and kissing you in response. His hand coming up to hold the back of your neck as he kisses you sweetly, trailing down your neck before letting up to slink down the bed so he was face level with your stomach, pushing your shirt up to kiss around your navel. 

 

 Kylo hooks his fingers into your underwear and you tense up, he stops and kisses your inner thighs instead. ‘ _ I'm sorry,’ _ his voice in stereo in your mind was something else.

 

   ‘ _ Don't be, I'm just scared for no reason.’  _ You reach down and card your fingers through his hair. ‘ _ Go ahead _ ,’

 

  ‘ _ You don't understand, _ ’ He slides your underwear off and kisses under your navel, making his way down slowly until he has your legs over his shoulders and his tongue is on your clit and you don't even know what to do or what to think because you can't open your eyes and you can tell you're pulling at his hair. You worry about it for a second until you pull a little harder he groans against you and you feel him grind against the mattress edge cause jeez he was tall. You weren't that short either but still short enough to have to look up at him a ways.

 

  You breathe out a moan as he focuses on your clit more, a single finger coming up to slide in your entrance to provide some more pressure. “Kylo,  _ goddamnit _ ,” you murmur, and he adds another finger and continues on.  It was indescribable at first, just energy and heat, and you keep biting your lip as to not make any noise that would be more embarrassing for yourself than for him.

 

 You let a few moans slip as the pleasure doesn't let up and even when he moves his mouth away to breathe he continues on with his fingers and lord almighty you didn't know how long you'd last.

 

  When you do finish you yelp, and Kylo jumps like he'd got you with his nail or something but when he gathers he brings you through your climax, not letting up until your legs went limp and you could barely endure his hot breath against you from over sensitivity. He places wet kisses against your thighs and slides his fingers out, coming back up to kiss you. You deny him at first, wiping his shiny mouth for him and then kissing him sweetly, very aware of the hard on against your leg.

 

  As you slide your hand down to dip into his waistband he stops you and shakes his head, “Just you today. It's okay.” He assures, and you don't pressure him. He lies next to you on his back and you rest your head on his chest, kissing his pectoral.

 

  “You're one of a kind, you know.” You murmur, pulling the blanket up over your pantsless self because you weren't ready for coffee just yet.

 

   “As are you.” He kisses your head, his breath even as you feel out that his walls are down, and you can reach out and feel what he felt. You didn't want to pry, but you were happy that he felt safe enough with you to let his guard down. It was a level of trust you hadn't been graced with in years, and now it made everything so much easier.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Burn

 

  A week goes by in a haze, you spent a minimal time alone, since Kylo only had to check up on a few different departments of staff on the ship each day, the rest you two spent training, or eating, or simply just enjoying each other's company. He hasn't let you touch him since the first time he stayed the night, nor have you had the brief hours of an at peace Kylo. He was made of marble again, expressionless. You didn't know why, and you didn't know what you did wrong.

 

   Today, however, was the day you planned to leave for Forodin, a lush planet with peaceful individuals in the Outer Rim with no ties to the First Order, or the Resistance. It was a Truce zone for both parties. Kylo had ordered the both of you less formal attire, more creams and browns versus the black on black Sith attire. Your bags were packed and you were currently lounging on the couch, waiting for him to return from Hux’s emergency meeting with him before the two of you departed.

 

   He comes back fuming, his saber in his hand. You can tell he'd already had a fit since he didn't smash the first thing in sight. You choose to stay silent, letting him work through his emotions himself before getting involved in the situation. 

 

 He paces for a moment before joining you on the couch, nudging the datapad out of your sight and kissing you roughly. He hadn't touched you in days; he didn't get to treat you like an inanimate object. To prove a point you bite his bottom lip hard in retaliation. The first kiss he'd given you in days was simply a stray of his frustration, and you weren't alright with that. It doesn't phase him, but he pulls away and stands again, grabbing his bag and yours. “We should leave before the General soils himself.”

 

  You stand and scoff, following him out of his quarters and walking behind him to the elevator. 

 

     You eventually get to the hangar and see the ship waiting. It was small, and had no sign that it was connected with the First Order or the Resistance,  which was for the best. The two of you board quickly and Kylo sits in the pilot's seat, starting to press buttons and flip switches as you took the co-pilot’s chair and did what you could. You were familiar with this type of circuit board.

    As soon as you're out of range you go to lightspeed, Kylo turning on the autopilot while you kept watch as he went to change into some basic clothes in the back of the ship. You swap places after he returns, and you dress quickly, joining him in the cockpit yet again. 

 

    The hours spent traveling was quiet, and when you arrived on this pure green planet your breath hitched,  it was beautiful. You landed in a clearing deep in a forest, it was almost dark as well. 

 

      “We'll sleep on the ship tonight, we'll find the reservation tomorrow.” He said, standing from the cockpit and leaving you alone without another word.

 

  You huff in frustration and stand up, following him to find him already laid out on one of the beds integrated into the ship, eyes closed with his legs bent up since the alcove beds were clearly made for a smaller type of humanoid. Being 6’3” had its downsides. 

 

“What did I do wrong?” You whisper, desperate for an answer.

  
  


“Nothing.”

 

“Stop playing games, Solo. You're a man. Why won't you touch me? Or look me in the eye for that matter? You'll kiss me like I'm a whore but won't fucking touch me.”

 

He stands up and corners you against the opposing wall, eyes burning into yours. “When I look at you, all I can see is another person leaving me.” He grits out, his frustration and emotions rising.

 

    “I'm sorry that it's hard to believe that I still love you even after you murdered children and killed your own father because a blatantly terrible and destructive, twisted man told you to. Clearly, I'm not going anywhere until we're both old and gray.” You grit back, keeping his gaze.

  Kylo’s eye twitches and you can feel the anger subside. He sighs, looking at the ground as he reaches for you hesitantly. You lean into him, pressing your face against his chest as his arms came around you. 

 

  “Don't push me away, and I'll be right here.” You murmur, leaning up of your toes to kiss his jaw.

 

  He nods,  swaying with you before letting go, looking to the two single bunks that you had to work with. “I want to lie with you,” He says quietly.

 

  You reach up and pull the loose mattress cushion off and lie it out on the floor, grabbing the other and putting them together-- they both fit perfectly next to eachother in the slim hallway that the ship had.  You pulled down the pillows and pulled out a blanket from one of the cupboards in the ship. You layed it out, and sat down on it to remove your shoes, keeping your saber nearby as you settled yourself down, Kylo double-checking the new camouflaging tech was working correctly. He followed you to bed, shutting the lights off before he lied down next to you.

 

  The two of you slid under the blankets and you pressed comfortably against his chest, closing your eyes and listening to his heartbeat. He carded his fingers through your hair,  relaxing his breathing. 

 

“I'm sorry, Y/N. I.. This is very much a 180° switch for me-- I wouldn't have asked for a better and more patient person to fall in love with.” He kisses your forehead, “I don't want you to leave, and I'm angry at myself for worrying about you leaving and not enjoying you while you're here.”

 

“Then enjoy me while I'm here, Kylo.. Thank you for opening up to me.”

 

  The silence that falls around you brought an ethereal calmness that made your head spin. You felt sturdy, like the ground was even beneath your feet, and you simply traced shapes on Kylo’s chest until you were greeted with sleep.

 

  You woke up to golden sunlight coming in from the cockpit, and you smile, turning over to curl into Kylo only to find he wasn't there. You wake up more, and listen for any sound of him on the ship. You reach out with the force, and you can't feel him anywhere on the ship. Goddamnit.

 

  You slip your shoes on and grab your pack and your saber, finding his already gone. He had plans to do training after all, then.

 

  When you step out of the ship you're greeted with fresh air and the familiar smell of a fresh rain, you shut the door panel and take in your surroundings. 

 

  You can see a pathway across the field,  and as you reach out with the force you can still feel Kylo close by, but can't place him in a certain direction. You focus, finding yourself being led away from the path and into the woods, making your way between the branches only to come upon a small, round clearing with a large tree in the middle. 

 

  As you looked up you saw a platform and what seemingly looked like an aboveground house. Birds are singing, and you can hear the leaves in the wind. You inspect the tree further  and manage to find notches fit inside the trunk that worked like a ladder. 

 

 And so you start climbing.

 

When you manage to pull yourself up into the small house you find Ben lying on a large bed in the corner of the surprisingly large room. “I wondered how long it would take you,” He mused, turning to lie on his side as you drop your bag and cross the room to join him on the bed. You wrap your arm over him and kissing his Adam’s apple before pressing your face against his shoulder.

 

 “I wondered if you'd even let me sleep in.” You sass back, to which he laughs-- earnestly.

 

  “You're the one who suggested going off-base to train in the first place,” He shoots back, his free arm draping over your hip as he ran a finger over the notches of your ribs. “Though I will not complain if this trip is more rest than practice.”

 

 You don't know how long the two of you just rested in silence, but eventually curiosity got the best of you and you stood, exploring the single large room further.

 

  There was a row of cabinets and a small counter in one section of the room with a basic kitchenette, the other half of the wall a large window, giving a view of the two suns glowing blood orange behind the thick trees. You take a deep breath and close your eyes, enjoying the silence. 

 

  You feel Kylo’s hands before you hear his breath against your neck, arms feeling over your hips before wrapping his arms around your middle. He bent down to kiss the crown of your head. “What's on your mind?” 

 

  “We'll have to go back eventually,” you murmur, a sadness in your chest that you couldn't escape from suddenly. 

 

 “You don't need to worry about that now, Y/N,” he turns you to look up at him, his eyes as piercing as always as he spoke to you in a kindness you've only heard from him once before- though, it was years ago. 

 

 “I don't know how long we've got together, but I do know that I'll never forget a second of it, and I promise you, that I'll protect you, and myself, from anyone, or anything that tries to pull us apart. I'll keep you safe.” He pressed his lips to your forehead, wrapping his arms around you in a more protective manner.

 

   “I believe you, and I trust you.” You sink into his arms, your emotions hitting you suddenly as you finally truly admit to yourself that you really do  _ love _ Ben Solo, or Kylo Ren, whatever he was called you didn't care. He showed you both sides of him anyways, you saw all of him, every side. 

 

  “I love you.” You barely whisper it, but you thought it so you know he heard it.

 

  You feel his heart pounding through the force, and you hide your face in the crook of his neck and sigh. 

 

  “I love you, too.” He says back, kissing the top of your head before lifting you up into his arms, walking you back to the bed. “Just relax, Y/N. There's no reason to be restless when we're here to take time for ourselves, and eachother.. We're as safe as we can be right here.” He laid you out delicately,  lying on his side next to you. 

 

“You're sweeter than you come across to be.” You say, looking up at him, savouring the beauty of his unique features and messy hair.

 

“You're the only person I've ever given this kindness to…” He sighs, kissing your forehead again.

 

You have to smile at that, and you curl a hand up to the back of his head curling your fingers in his hair. His eyes were so calming to you, they were his weakness, or more so that you knew how to read them.  He was a complex person, but you now realize how much he  _ hasn't  _ changed, that he's as gentle with you as ever, and rough when you want him to be,  and you loved him. More than anything you've ever loved before.

 

He presses another kiss to your face, and you pull him down to rest his head on your shoulder. You card your fingers through his hair, kissing the crown of his head.

 

He melts against you, his face hiding in the crook of your neck as he breathed you in. “I'm so sorry,” He tells you, voice breaking.

 

“For what?” You ask, combing your fingers through his hair.

 

“For leaving you, for doing what I did. Uncle Luke was right, I should be dead.” He confessed, sitting up to look at you, eyes focused as tears welled in his eyes. 

“I've felt it. All these years, the pull to the light side. I resented it, because it was what Luke stood for.” 

 

You sit up with him, cradling his face with your small hand as he spoke, expressing his raw feelings for the first time in years.

 

“The pull wasn't towards Luke, it was towards  _ you.  _ I love you, you make me feel human. I forgot what it meant to be loved, and how to love- not that Leia and Han were good examples. You have this weird way of making me calm, you bring me down enough to release my anger into the force. You're everything I've ever needed.” There's a look of desperation in his eyes as you held his face, and you leaned forward, kissing his forehead.

 

“I love you, Kylo-” 

 

“Call me Ben.” He whispers, almost like he was scared to say it. “Please..”

 

You smile, tears coming to your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him. “I love you, Ben Solo. More than I've ever loved before. I'd die to save you, to make sure you found your way. I never wanted you to go, you saw my mind, you saw what happened.” You wipe your eyes, wiping Ben’s still flowing tears of sorrow. 

 

“After my parents, I only had the Resistance. I was never meant to be in a war, I'm too merciful. I don't kill without a necessity to. I know deep down you know, and can feel that Anakin is with the light side of the force. And that he’s always been with you, Ben. Let him show you the way, let me help you lead the way.” You tell him, and he's quiet, for a long time.

 

“I don't know how to escape from this. Y/N. I'm the leader of the First Order, I can't just knock on my mother's door and run home crying.” He says, a sadness in his voice that you'd only seen once before, years ago after he and Han had a bad argument.

 

“But we could do just that,” You say, holding his hands in yours. “If we go to a cantina in town when we refuel, I might be able to figure out their whereabouts. Leia will listen to me, and I'll die before I let anyone hurt you. I will beat the shit out of anyone who hurts you, Ben.” You tell him, searching his eyes as fear fills him.

 

He goes silent, tears spilling as he leans his head forward, sobbing against you as you held him securely, kissing the top of his head. “You're doing good, let it out, love.. It's okay to cry.” You tell him, combing your fingers through his hair.

 

He stays like that for a solid half hour, crying until he went silent against you, breathing heavy. He allows you to get up, getting him some water to drink, which he accepts silently. He drinks it down, setting it next to the bed and turning back to you.

 

“We leave tonight.  Before I can talk myself out of it.” He whispers, laying down again. 

 


	6. The Beginning

  
  


The two of you pack up your things, heading out of the house and making your trek back to the ship. You stop at the local town, you going to the cantina while Ben bought the fuel. 

 

You end up brainwashing a nark into giving up the planet name, and you quickly left. You meet back up at the ship, and you grin when you see Ben, and he knew you were successful. 

 

“It’s not far from here, apparently a few rebels took shelter here not too long ago.” You tell him once aboard, typing the coordinates into the cockpit and letting the ship map your course. 

 

As you grew closer to the planet, you eventually got a transmission signal from a base on one of the northern continents of the mountainous planet. 

 

“Unidentified Pilot, state your business, or turn around.” The voice said, and you motion for Ben to be silent.

 

You hold the button down, “This is Y/N (L/N), I need to speak to General Organa.” You let go of the button and swallow thickly.

 

“I feel her.” Ben says, his fists clenching. 

 

You pilot the ship down to the base, landing farther away from the X-Wings and turning to Ben. “Just don’t let go of my hand, okay?” You tell him, and he can only nod as you stood up, holding his hand as the ships door opened, and the two of you walked out together, Ben’s hood up as he looked at the ground, scared to face his family. Or what was left of it.

 

You see Leia approaching quickly, as well as other Rebellion faculty. When she sees the figure beside you, she knew. She turns to her associates, telling them to go get Rey. You see Poe walk away, running back to the hangar.

 

“Leia,” Your voice breaks, “We’re home.” 

 

Before she can speak, Rey is running at you, lightsaber ignited as she goes. 

 

“NO!” You scream standing in front of your lover, only to watch as Ben uses the force to stop her. 

 

“We didn’t come to fight, or hurt you. We ran from the First Order, I found Ben and we got away. You’ll have to kill me before anyone lays a finger on him. He just wants to make things right, we’re here to help. Please.” You say, tears in your eyes as you stared at Leia, hoping she understood.   
  


There was a long silence, your eyes pleading to Leia to at least hear you out. “You  _ know  _ I love him. But he’s just as scared as you all are. He did wrong things, but so did your father, Leia. He returned to the light side, so can Ben..”

 

Leia sighs, looking at Rey, then to her son. “Truce?”

 

“Truce.” Ben says, letting go of your hand and stepping back, releasing Rey, her saber landing in the ground with a hiss. She disengaged it, stepping back to stand with Leia.   
  
“He's a maniac! You can't seriously keep him here.” Rey said, resentment in her eyes as she stared daggers at Ben.

 

“Watch your mouth.” You snap, Ben taking your hand in his, lowering his hood.

 

“Rey, have Poe clear the hallways, I don't need a riot to start here.” Leia says, and Rey nods, walking away to Poe. 

 

None of you speak as you walk down a quiet hall to a room with a small table, two chairs on either side. You and Ben sit first, Leia standing across from you. 

 

“How did this happen?” She asks, slowly easing into her chair, she was still weak from her recent injuries.

 

“Y/N's ship went down in deep space, her escape pod got picked up on our scanners so we brought her in. I thought she was your spy, but that.. clearly wasn't the case. She reminded me that.. that I was human, and I chose the wrong path. I was angry, at Luke, and you, at.. at my father.” He's gripping your hand, tears in his eyes. “Killing him destroyed me. I questioned my loyalty to Snoke every day. And I killed him, and I  _ didn't _ kill Rey. Not that she'd let me.” He sighs, looking down at the table.

 

“I thought I had done something wrong to have learned the ways of the force so quickly when I was so young, but I couldn't control how fast I advanced in the force, it came natural to me. Luke saw it, and knew what he had to do. But I got away, and I ran because I thought you all wanted me dead.” He's barely whispering now, eyes looking up to his mother.

 

“Luke told me what he did the morning after you left, and part of me knows it's why he went away. I never wanted you dead, Ben, you're my  _ son. _ I had never lost so much before. I'm so glad you have Y/N.” She says, wiping her own tears as she looked over the scars on his face.

 

“But the reality is that I have a whole lot of people here who need convincing. You two will be fed, and eventually will be integrated back into our community. It's best that you two don't stay in the same place we sleep for now, there's a small building a few meters from here. It's far enough away to where we know you aren't here to hurt us. We'll have to lock you in at night, and I want your lightsabers.” Leia explains, her eyes on the face of her son, seeing how he looked so grown now.

 

Kylo pulls his saber from his belt, removing his red stained kyber crystal and pocketing it,  breaking the hilt of his lightsaber in half. You stared in shock, handing over your borrowed saber. This was it. This was the beginning of a long, hard road for the man you loved so much. 

 

Leia took the saber from you, standing up again. The two of you did as well, following her to the door. She turned around slowly, looking up at her son before leaning forward to hug him. “Welcome home, Ben.”

 

You see his face contort into sadness, guilt overcoming him as he holds his mother, releasing her after a moment. He regained his composure, putting his hood back up on his head. He turned to you, his bare hand reaching for yours. 

 

You take it with a small, reassuring smile. Leia leads you down the hall and back out of the building, allowing you to collect your belongings from the ship before having Poe lead you to the base, a encrypted lock set in his hands.

 

“Rey told us what you did- killing Snoke to save her. It doesn't excuse what you did to us, to me, to Finn. But it's one step closer to fixing it.” Poe says to Ben as he opens the door of the small shelter. The two of you walked in, and Poe shut the door behind you, locking you in.

 

You sigh, setting your bags down to look around. It was one room, and then a refresher, there was a kitchenette in the corner, and a large bed on the parallel corner. You were just surprised to see a real mattress not a cot. 

 

You waste no time in changing into loose fitting clothes, getting into bed. You lied on your side, facing Ben. “You did well today, come rest,” You say softly, and he does; taking off his boots and removing his tunics before lying down next to you. He allows you to rest your head on his bare chest, the two of you resting in silence as you kissed his chest. 

 

“I love you,” He tells you, kissing the top of your head whilst he pulls the thin blanket over the both of you. “I-... She  _ hugged _ me. Welcomed me, I don't understand.. I don't feel like I deserve it.” He murmurs, caressing your back as he speaks.

 

“You do deserve it, love,” You sit up on your elbow, kissing his lips chastely as you look at him. “You deserve a second chance, you were misled, and you thought it would heal you.. It's difficult to change immediately. But I know you're strong, and you can do this. You aren't alone anymore, I'm here to talk you through it. It's okay to cry, Ben. It's natural, it's  _ human.” _


End file.
